Beauty rituals are not usual for women, almost all of us have them.

I’m all for doing anything that makes you feel good and nourishes your well-being, but there are some really extreme measures women are going to in the name of ‘vaginal maintenance.’

As if the completely unnecessary feminine hygiene washes and douches weren’t bad enough, what women are subjecting their yonis to in the hope of tightening, rejuvenating, ‘cleansing’ or revitalising, is almost hard to believe.

Here’s a short list of the whackiest vaginal suppositories and treatments you absolutely do not need:

Sticking Wasps Nests up Your Vagina

Screen Shot Of Etsy Heritage Health Shop Store

Cost: Around $14 + p/h, plus a snatch that stings like billy-o.

You may have already heard of this one, as it has received a lot of hype in the media recently.

So, what was this exactly? Well, a Malaysian “health shop” on the popular e-commerce site Etsy was selling oak galls, which are small spheres formed by gall wasps. According to Dr Jen Gunter, they are made up of “bark and wasp excreta that once nurtured a wasp larva.”

If these were being sold as garden ornaments it would all be relatively innocuous, however the seller advised taking these medicinally by boiling and drinking the galls, or eating them with white rice. It is suggested you imbibe this concoction once a week, or every few days for “women’s general health and well being,” or once a day for 40 days after childbirth to “restore the elasticity of the uterine wall.”

Wait, it gets worse.

The seller also advises to use the gall water as a feminine wash during or after one’s period, when excessive discharge occurs or “as needed.” (!?)

The only caution the seller point outs is that the galls are extremely bitter to taste, and will also sting due to the galls “powerful astringent.” Ouch, fucking ouch.

Check out Dr Jen Gunter’s post on this for more information.

Detoxifying Your Vag with a Bag of Herbs

Cost: A measly $27 + p/h and at least one day of discomfort. Most likely several.

This is almost as bad as the wasp nests, and definitely in the same dumb-fuckery category.

These little cheesecloth bags of “ancient herbs, or “pearls” as the website calls them, will allegedly give your womb a herbal detox. (I mean, what?!) The product description heavily implies that this will correct the “major imbalances modern women experience” such as “bacterial vaginosis, foul odour, yeast infections, endometriosis and fibroids.”

If you are affected by any of these conditions, please don’t shove a pod of pot pourri up your fanny – go see your gynaecologist instead. For the love of god.

While I’m here, I’d also like to just quickly point out:

  • You cannot detox your vagina
  • Your vagina is its own perfect self cleaning eco system, and doesn’t want you interfering with its flow
  • Leaving anything in your vagina for a long period of time (a whole day like this ‘detox’ process advises) is dangerous – it could easily lead to toxic shock syndrome (TSS)

You can buy these little bags of useless shit  or “pearls” on the Embrace Pangaea website, but please don’t. (However, if you feel like unnecessarily looking at what appears to be images of vaginal discharge, the website includes some truly eye opening photos alongside the product description.)

Steaming Your Vagina 

Steaming Pot On Stove

 Cost: Around $100 and a scorched perineum.

This was made famous on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website ‘GOOP’ (or as I like to call it ‘POOP,’ because I’m mature like that) in which she endorsed this bogus process, saying you “sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels.”

Gwyneth, no.

Here’s just a couple of reasons why this is a horrible idea:

  1. Yet again, you can’t ‘detox’ your vagina, or ‘balance your hormones’ with steam.

Again, you cannot detox your vagina or give it a ‘steam clean.’ You don’t need to ‘clean‘ it – it does that for itself in its own genius way.
Also, your lady hormone factory is in your ovaries – how is the steam going to get all the way up there? Even if it could, how could it ‘balance your hormones’? It can’t.

  1. You could actually burn yourself. Badly.

Have you ever had something boiling on the stove, or boiled the kettle and accidentally stuck your hand in the way of the steam? I have; it hurts like a bitch. Now imagine that on your vulva, perineum or anus. Yup, that could do some serious damage.

  1. You can mess with the balance of good bacteria

Please people, trust me, your lady bits just want to be left alone without being interfered with herbs, steam, soap or anything else.

Any kind of douching is counterproductive, and can seriously upset the natural balance of bacteria that keeps your yoni healthy.

Vaginal Bleaching

Cup of Bleach Being Poured Out

Cost: As little as $44.95 for a very sore and irritated vag.

Being made to feel that you ‘need’ to alter the colour of your vagina, or ‘whiten’ it in order for it to be considered desirable, is a product of the perverted and sexist way the cosmetic industry capitalises on making women feel their bodies aren’t worthy in their natural state.

This website claims that effectively “whitening” your vagina will make you feel “confident and sexy when someone is staring at you ‘down there’”. (They actually say “down there” – because being told you need these “life-changing” vag bleaching treatments apparently isn’t offensive, but using an anatomical name for your vulva is.) They go on to say: your “renewed physical look of your genitals” will also boost your self esteem and confidence will be “oozing out of you from now on.”

No matter how “safe” or “organic” a vaginal bleaching product claims to be, it isn’t.
My pussy-positive friends over at her.period recently posted an image with a caption about vaginal bleaching. While these products claim to contain all sorts of organic ingredients and vitamins, they also contain “Kojic acid, the same ingredient that keeps salmon meat pink, and sodium hydroxide, which is found in drain decloggers and septic tank cleansers.”

Would you be inclined to grab the drain declogger for under your sink and sprinkle it on your yoni? No? Yeah, me neither. There’s a reason for all the “avoid contact with skin” warnings.

In summary: Your fanny is a magical, beautiful thing. It isn’t dirty, depressed or in need of a detox, and you should leave it alone do its own thing and self clean.

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