In my day to day life I usually manage to keep my brain on track by juggling a pile of things at any one time. Right now though, I’m on holiday and with my normal routine taken away old brainy too much time on its hands and has been thinking about arbitrary past sexual experiences.

Earlier, while taking a jaunt down memory lane I thought about the reactions my previous lovers have had when I’ve squirted. Reactions that have ranged from surprise, repulsion, complete obliviousness, ecstatic joy and everything in between.

This prompted me to come up with a dummy’s guide on how to react if the woman you are having sex with is a squirter, or discovers she can squirt whilst in the midst of bonking you.

1. Don’t Freak Out

via Giphy.

There’s nothing to be worried about here, what just happened is a perfectly normal sexual response.

Between 30% and 50% of women will experience female ejaculation and or squirting at some point during their lives (according to some studies, but really the percentage could be higher…)

I know, I know, there’s a bit of extra wetness going on down there, but if you’re worried she peed on you – don’t – because she didn’t. As you’ll notice that the love juice that she just gushed looks, smells and tastes nothing like piss.

2. Don’t Be a Dick about It

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For the love of God (or whatever supernatural, higher or extra-terrestrial force you believe in), don’t make her feel bad about having squirted or that she’s made a mess.

You would think this should go without saying, as if you’re having sex with a woman and she’s displaying a positive response, why make her feel ashamed about it?

Unfortunately, as I described in my post about the first time I squirted during sex with my heartless ex, some people can be insensitive jerkfaces when something unexpected happens in the boudoir.

If you’re worried about the fluid having soaked your sheets – get the fuck over it princess – you can wash them. If the yoni liquid is on you, you can wash yourself later too.

Whatever you do, don’t jump up like a startled ferret and start stripping the bed. It’ll kill the lovely post fuck haze faster than you cna say “bajinga” and make her feel unsettled, and probably a bit shit. Give her a few minutes to recover from her orgasm, then go be a dear and fetch a towel to place on the wet spot and return for a post-coital cuddle.

If it’s the first time the woman has experienced female ejaculation, she will most likely be quite surprised as well. She may even feel inexplicably vulnerable too, and if this is the case please have the decency to reassure her and make her feel at ease.

3. Again, Don’t Be a Dick about It

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Don’t big note yourself, just because a woman had an ejaculatory response during sex with you doesn’t make you a sexual superhero.

Don’t go gloating to your group of your chums down the pub that you made a woman squirt – It’s not classy, and it’s actually a kind of a douchey thing to do.

It may also be an as aspect of her sexual self that she feels self conscious about, or just wants kept private and not discussed with the wider public.  This goes for all sexual practices – respect that your lover might want what you two (or three, or more) do in bed together to stay hush hush.

4. Don’t Expect It to Happen Every Time, Just Because It Happened the First (or Last Time) You Had Sex

via Giphy.

Don’t make squirting the goal of subsequent sex sessions you have with your lover in the future. If it happens, great. If not, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, or that she’s not having a good time.

Even women who are regular squirters aren’t generally able to squirt on command, or ejaculate every time they have sex.

Some women may squirt once in their lifetime, and never again. Some  women may do it occasionally, or only through G-spot stimulation, from using a sex toy or in a specific sexual position. There are also a few women like me, where once they start gushing they don’t seem to stop and it happens every time they have sex. A woman who experiences female ejaculation this frequently is generally the exception though, rather than the rule.

While the next time you you get down you may want to place something absorbent on the bed in case it happens again, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t. Worse, don’t make her feel alarmed either.

5. Be Happy

via Giphy.

If a woman has achieved ejaculated during her sexual encounter with you, it means that she felt relaxed enough to let herself go.

In my experience, (and from the other first hand accounts I’ve received from fellow squirters) a woman isn’t able to gush without being comfortable and connected to the sexual act she’s engaging in.

A large component of female ejaculation is psychological. In order for me to squirt, I need to feel a strong connection with the person I’m having sex with and I need to be in a relaxed mental state.

You should feel pretty chuffed – no, not because you have a magical squirt inducing shlong – because you’ve made your lover feel comfortable enough to allow her body to respond in this extraordinary way.

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